Ghost

I have a ghost, a spirit that I did not invite. In my case, it is depression that haunts me. It appears without warning, and stays without me wanting it to be there. It is horrible. It surprises me, because one minute I can be feeling just fine, and the next minute I feel like my legs have been cut out from underneath me. I do take anti-depressant medication, that works (in theory) to level my moods. And in truth, the bad times are fewer and further between. But there are still times where I feel the bottom has dropped out in my life. Those are the times that I sit on the el, going to work, and despise my fellow riders; despise them from being cheery and carefree, and not forcing themselves to go through the motions of life. Those are the bad times. I feel better already for having written this, as a means of catharsis. In the past, I might have a scotch, or buy a Prada shirt, or a fist full of pills, or something worse, to kill the pain. But I am meeting it head-on these days. I am doing what I can to get to the roots of some of the things that make me sad. I see a therapist, I talk to my parents about my formative years...and sometimes I sit and wonder at the choices I make and have made, and the person I am and the one I would like to become. I remember reading a biography of JP Morgan that spoke of his own crippling depression. This man was one of the wealthiest people in the US, and among the most powerful, but yet he had extreme depression. His solution was to take a cruise to Europe on his yacht, which sadly is not really an option fo me, but I do appreciate that depression can happen to anyone regardless of success.

So yes, today I am a very sad guy. There is no specific reason for that. I had a great weekend with my friend Rob and his friend E. In some aspects it was the best time I have ever had (still amazing to me), but I will opt for a bit of discretion given the tone of this post. Ok, enough for now. Hope all is well with you.

-PBS