Monday - Parental Recovery
Well yes it is Monday. I spent the evening last night in the suburbs with my parents. They are supportive and loving, and I appreciate them for that. Unfortunately, there is the at-times painful period, called my childhood, that gets in the way of us being as close today as I would like. I am sure many of you can relate. Am I asking for too much? That is a question that I often contemplate. My ex, M.B., had little patience for my parental drama. Well, in fairnes, he was quite a practical and pragmatic guy, and felt that I should just sit down with my parents and tell it like it is. If only things were that simple. As always, the truth is far more complicated.
Yes, I am grateful to have a good relationship with my parents today. I have met a number of people, both on-line and in real life, who are cut off from one or more members of their family; this seems to be especially true after that person made the decision to come out. I myself cannot imagine the feelings of rejection, anger, bitterness, etc that would accompany that.
Well back to me. The truth is that my father and I really don't have the best relationship. I realize that is far from a black-and-white statement. I can only go with what I know. So yes, growing up, my father was a distant and often scary figure in my life. He worked obsessively building his law practice. Many times he would work all day, come home for dinner, and then go back to work in the evening. Now perhaps some of you will tell me how ungrateful I am being, given how hard he worked to provide a very comfortable life for his wife and child. Rest assured I have thought the same thing of myself many times. The result of his workaholism was that I did not see him often. When I did, he was often curt, and I had to do my best to avoid bringing out his powerful temper. No matter the comfort we lived in, I would argue that no child should live that way (under ideal conditions.) So we fell into a pattern, early on, of me trying to avoid him, working very hard in school to please him, and generally keeping a pretty business-like relationship going. He was always extremely generous with me, financially, such that I had the latest Transformers and Legos at age 8, to a used black Mercedes E-Class when I was 16. That was the sort of Faustian bargain that we had struck. Essentially, both of us would pretend that everything was fine, and then focus on other parts of our lives. But, like a smack addict who decides they can no longer live with that addiction, I one day (recently) decided I wanted a "real" relationship with my aging Father (he is in his early 60s.) So that is the quest I am on. I will likely post again on this subject. Thanks for your time.
3 Comments:
I hope you don't object to my commenting on such a personal matter, but since I've known you (and your parents) for some two decades, I thought you'd forgive the liberty.
It seems to me that fathers generally have high expectations of their sons. As you know, I used to go out of my way to please mine -- not because he was emotionally distant, but physically so. He always lived nearby, but I didn't see him more often than once or twice a week after the age of three. And it took an emotional familial crisis to change things. I feel since then that I have a much more adult, equal relationship with my father. Similarly, he had an emotionally distant relationship with his father and an unhappy adolescence, and has spent much of his adult life trying to coax his parents into being more emotionally demonstrative. Of course, there's only so much change that one can effect in others.
I don't agree with M.B. that you should have just spelt it all out for your parents. That works in some families that are more open, not just emotionally but "socially" than yours and mine. I used to be envious of people who had the sorts of relationships with their parents where they felt free to share aspects of themselves -- details about their social and sexual selves, for example -- that I never could with mine. I came to realise that it was easier to work within the boundaries of the more old-fashioned, "mannered" family construct like yours and mine.
Nevertheless, I find it curious that you say you're not as close to your parents as you'd like, the emotional distance of your relationship with your father notwithstanding. You spend a tremendous amount of time with your parents, much more than I did with mine when I lived in the same city. I used to wonder whether it was out of a sense of obligation, but it seems to me now that it's because you enjoy spending time with them. I've also seen you turn to them in recent times of emotional distress in a way that I would not turn to mine. I wonder whether you'd consider moving away from Chicago, as I have done, or if the closeness of your relationship with your parents would prevent it.
While I find your attempts to forge closer emotional ties with your father admirable, I would caution you to bear in mind that it's difficult for men of his age to "re-wire" their thinking (and their own upbringing). That does not mean that progress cannot be made: my father acknowledges now that his eccentricities can be difficult for those who love him; however, he cannot help them. I've no doubt that your father also craves a better relationship, but it may be that he doesn't know how to achieve one. It seems to me that he has mellowed in the last several years; he is no longer the bellicose man he was in the 1980's. But he will probably never be as emotionally demonstrative as your mother. I encourage you to continue working at things, but I would also humbly suggest that there are some changes you could effect in yourself that would improve matters.
If you could come to peace with your childhood, "unburden yourself of its baggage" to use the jargon of pop psychology, I think it could have a huge effect on how you perceive your relationship with your father. The past cannot, of course, be changed. I would also encourage you to try to stop trying to please your father and giving so much thought to what he would think of your choices and decisions. You no longer live under his roof and he is no longer financially responsible for you. While no one wants to disappoint his parents, one should not make personal decisions with more thought to them than himself. Believe it or not, your father will love you and be proud of you no matter what happens.
It improved things with both my parents and Mr Jerrard when I stopped trying so hard to please my father and started taking all my decisions for myself. I see it now as a turning point in my emotional growth. I think if you could reach that point, your relationship with your father would improve immeasurably. After all, what you want is not the relationship between father and child, but that between a soon-to-be elderly man and his adult son.
I can appreciate your desire for a utopian, Mike Brady-like father in your life, but that's clearly not who your father is. Your father is clearly a driven, hard-working man who puts a lot of time and effort into his career to provide for you and your mother. And, whether or not you want to hear this, you have many of his same characteristics.
There are many children who never even met their fathers, or who fear their father's evening drinking episodes, wondering if this is the night that he will physically injure them or their mothers. While I don't doubt that your father could have been more emotionally supportive of you while you were growing up, it's time for you to appreciate him for who he is, and stop living in the past. If don't change your view towards your father, he will be gone before you have a chance to say goodbye.
Thank you both, G.J and Anonymous for your thoughts.
I guess I will start with a little more background information. For the past 2 years, I have dealt, on and off, with depression. Most of the time, I feel pretty much ok. However, I do from time to time suffer from mild to severe depression ( I take Effexor, an anti-depressant, and Xanax, an anti-anxiety.) There was a time that I drank more than I needed to, not always excessively, but there was a period in which I would have a glass of scotch before bed. I kept my days very busy, with long hours at work, then time at the gym, and then a glass of scotch when I got home. This left little time to think about my issues. Eventually I wisened up and realized that I needed to confront what was bothering me. In fact, I now no longer drink alcohol at all...but that is a different matter.
I began to see a therapist 2 years ago, because I wanted to feel better, simple as that. I really had no idea what therapy could provide me, but I was determined to find out. I went to my first session with Doctor W, not knowing what to expect. In fact, I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to talk about. As it turned out, within 15 minutes of beginning that first session, I found myself talking about my Father, and actually crying. Over the course of 2 years, and 3 different therapists, I keep finding myself coming back to my thoughts and feelings about my Father and our relationship.
At first, I felt terribly guilty about saying negative things about my Father. As Anonymous pointed out so accurately, the man has provided very well for me and my mother. I still feel pangs of guilt when I relate unflattering anecdotes to my therapist. In fact, I left my first therapist because I was worried that we were too focused on my Father.
However, I have come to realize that I need to address those issues relating to my Father. I will start with the things I do know. First off, I love and care for my Father deeply. He has mellowed a lot in his older age, much as G.J.'s has, and we have a great raport now. I know that he also loves me, his only child, and would do anything for me. On the surface, that is all than anyone could hope for. And yet, it clearly is not enough. At this point, I cannot ask my Father to change; he is too old to change, and frankly deserves better than for me to drag him through therapy.
So my choices are to leave things as they are, or try to engage him in what I would consider to be a more real, more intimate relationship. To that end, I have begun to simply do more things with him; bike riding, helping him with the yard, painting the house, etc. Basically non-threatening activities that provide us time to simply hang out together. Further, I have been asking him about his childhood. It is a way for me to learn about his past, and mine to an extent.
So while I am working with my Father to improve out current relationship, I am also working with my therapist to get at the root of my childhood issues. I know it would devastate my Father to tell him about some of my views on my childhood, and I frankly will not hurt him that way. So the therapy continues. I like to think that I have a pretty objective view of things, and I have faith that I am making progress.
Lastly, to address Anonymous's point. No, I was never physically abused by an alcoholic father. Yes, I was at times terrorized by a man with an enormous temper. Yes, I was made to feel like I could do nothing right at times, that my clumsiness as a child (spilling orange juice on my Father's suit and being banished to my room). When I was 8 or 9, I got up early on Sunday, and poured myself a glass of water. I put the glass down on the edge of the counter, and it fell and broke. Now what would your reaction have been? Mine was genuine terror, very worried that I would be yelled at and chastised. As it turned out, my parents were indifferent, only concerned that I not step on the glass pieces. But why was that my first reaction? Now does this pale in comparison to being hit? Of course yes, objectively. However I am not going to play the game of relativism. I know what effect it had on me, and apparently still does. Believe me, if I could look at my situation and say "Wow, I have nothing to complain about in the scheme of things", I would have done so a long time ago. I have no desire to create or continue unhappiness. So there we are.
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